Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Same Old Beginning.. (Sob alert :-( )

p.s. This is going to be a quickie...
p.p.s. Sob Alert II

"It is Monday morning. Yet another usual office day. Hung up after a terrible weekend, Buchanan, waking up, is trying to gather his thoughts. He realizes that today there was no one to shut the drapes. There was no sign of his eternal ROOMIE, the Ipod or mobile Baba, to wake him up to reach his work place. There is no smell of deo in the room, which is weird since Ipod BABA takes a bath in it. The amount of deo he sprays on himself everyday is enough to clear the foul smell of dharavi."
"BinGG!!" The realization is slow and painful. The reality has dawned that this is the aaghaz of yet another same old chapter, and this is just the start of the transition.".....
Buchanan has quit his job. He reaches out to the loo to find out there is no Sunny kaBAAP surfing in the hall doing his two favorite things (having milk with cornflakes and checking cricinfo for latest on the IPL in bangalore in JUDI popos home.)
The thoughts wander to the workplace where Duude and Kakke, the ideal colleagues for Bucha, would be working or rather just completing 9.15 hrs. With the loses Marvel and the Blues are incurring, Kakke would have had some sympathy and words of wisdom. There would have been lots to discuss. Duude on the other hand would have had his head stuck in problems, the root of which is procrastination. Duude is very similar to the prince of GOGOLE, in terms of self destruction. Nostalgia has stuck Buchas inner places.
There is nothing to do for Buchanan. It is said that an idle mind is a devils workplace, Bucha is idle but he is still waiting for his appointment with the devil. That would be some rendezvous. May be the Devil is aware of Buchas talented fundas and scared to arrange the meeting. The day passes on slowly. It is snails pace and with very few thoughts to play around with, the going is tough.
Even though Bucha has been through many changes switching from home to coll, back to home, to one city for training, from there to a city to work in, still this change hurts a lot more than any one of the rest. May be the reason is that Bucha never missed his Bhaiiiis during that time where as now he would be leaving them to reach out to the far off land.
Just like before, Bucha had plenty of Lasts this time too. The farewells just didnot end. People got bored of having the 'LAST DINNER' with Bucha again and again. There was the last brush in the apartment, the last bath, the last supper, the last coffee at office, the last ping, which was utterly painful and heart wrenching, it was to the SOULMATE appropriately, the last mail was again to the soulmate.
Seems like this chapter is going to be really tough, the beginning involving quitting job, roomies and city, and ending in leaving behind family, cousins, country and soulmates.

The perfect song for the occasion is Maachis movies, "chodd aaye hum .. woh galiyaan"....

p.p.p.s The blogger would get back to his vein of writing after the hangover.
p.p.p.p.s The weekend was terrible coz of the Blues loss in the T20 world cup. We can safely blame in on IPL, alien conditions and lots of poor batting, plus not to good captaincy by the otherwise awesome Captain Marvel.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The New Mr. India.. lala

Ross is on seventh heaven. His efforts in converting two of his dehati apprentices into studs have paid off.
Lala has just won the most Eligible Bachelor in Mangalore in the heavy weight category. It was apparently a tournament where only fat asses could take part in. He faced stiff competition from none other than BALAJI from VIT. They both danced to the tunes of Appadi pode pode pode.
The second achievement of Ross is in making Baniya realize his manhood and finally take part in the WAR, after years of HAND to HAND combat.
Baniya pehlwaan has crossed the milestone with aplomb. Even with his soft and inexperienced tools he dug through mazes of dungeons to strike gold. For his adventures DOWN UNDER, he wins his first MEDAL of honor from none other than Sunny kaBAAP. He has pipped the Sexy boy toy of delhi. The reason being that baniya made rivers flow in barren wastelands down south J. Sexy boy toy also has a reason to smile. He has been awarded a Scholarship to the JudiPopo Institute of SEX (JPIS).
Ross deserves one more special mention. He was the guiding light (with a lantern) helping Baniya to unravel the dark secrets and find his way through the labyrinth. Ross for all his achievements gets to teach a new student KAANhiya in JPIS. Ross is also awarded the lifetime membership award to the cult of ().
KAANiya too cannot help smiling. With the news of his recently discovered talents making rounds, and the latest news of ROSS showing confidence in him, it is only time before he too wins his MEDAL of honor. KAANiya with the little soldier in one hand and the ultrapornographic RADIO in the other has recently discovered the IPL being hosted inside closed walls. The organizer is MODI (bannnnTI). This is some really exciting news for KAANiya. He is ready with his popcorn to listen to two weeks of TRIANGULAR-QUADRANGULAR matches.
Popo yesterday night walked in, to find bannnTI and Buuuubli in farely uncompromising positions, inaugurating the IPL. He was then appointed the guest match referee. Having watched the IPL match from close quarters, he is not very much interested in the radio commentary. Compare this to the desperation of SunnyKaBAAP, all he gets is text feeds on cricinfo bout the IPL from KAANiya. SunnyKaBAAP has resigned to the fact that he will not get lucky in this town. He is studying GRE (Go Raping Everyday).
Popo along with sunnyKaBAAP has introduced a new course in his university. How to get high on TROPICANA GUAVA NECTAR!!!. He has also filed a patent on the same.
Buchanan is searching for new horizons. He is moving out to try his luck in a different continent .. he has the new funda that he was not able to score with his “bat” (more like a gilli from gilli danda) bcoz he was born in the wrong continent.. Lala is still wondering how many continents are there in world. America being the ninth in his list. Lala has filed for divorce and custody of his son the ONE, Prince of Gogole against Buchanan. Lala has also started watching the reruns of devdas, it will allow him to get over the loss of his PARO. His ipod contains the Top Bollywood list of sad songs, starting from TANHAYEE to EMOTIONAL ATYACHAAR. Since this is the modern devdas we are talking about, he won’t be having VODKA or WHISKY, instead he will trust JudiPopo and drink guava nectar to get over PARO.
The hottest topic of the season is will Potli Baba be able to save his bottoms at work. Potli Baba has also started a new service, similar on the lines of what CHANDA performed in DEVD. This service is not limited to national callers, it expands even to overseas and to the continent in the southern hemisphere. Potli Baba has a total of 9987 hair left on his head. It is estimated that in mid December this year we will see him in the new AMRISH PURI look. The callers need not fear, hair or no hair, this pro (sTtute) will still satisfy. Potli Baba is now the right hand of his manager, the reason for the promotion being that the manager is left handed.
There were a lot of people I have not mentioned till now, they will definitely get a mention in the next posts.
Let us talk about Bhagwaan, the gaming god, whom I will call Ret. Ret too is a KAANiya in the making. He needs to learn that it is not only his Ak or M4 in counter strike that fires efficiently, even the attached-6-inch-below-his-waist weapon is of use. If he doesn’t use it now, it will become redundant and might never work. Ret keeps getting red on a mere mention of a gal and this redness keeps spreading throughout his body. Ret is the blue eyed boy of the group. The chocolate boy whom the gals and the guys fantasize about alike. He has completed the holy grail and is now going to become a professional in a multinational company. Potli Babas first all male crush was Ret. Ret is instrumental in making us losers win the only thing in our otherwise waste of life in 4 yrs. Lets salute him.

P.s. KAANiya keep yourself under control.. I meant the real salute, KAANiya’s little soldier just needs a reason to fire. Keep him at ease!!!!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Fake IIT Engineer

The furor created by the FIP has still not died. After the previous two posts, it is appropriate that I tell u something about the BHAIIIs that I have. All the characters depicted here are real, any resemblance to any person living is totally intentional.

KAANhiya has realized that his little soldier is busy standing in attention throughout the day, especially during his stints near the wall. Even though it has become a issue of concern in the social circle, it is a welcome news for all the BHAIIIs. It has been 22 years and finally the soldier has risen through the ranks. All the pep up talks by Judi Popo, the massages given by HalfINCHER, demos given by Sunny KaBAAP and radio frequency noises emitted from neighbors have helped KAANhiya realize the true potential. This soldier deserves a salute, it can stand in attention for 7 hours on the trot, firing missiles after missiles, making stamina draining runs of the training ground. The soldier has still not seen the field of battle (and there is little chance that it will), but with the intense training it has undergone, we can only hope that the enemies last the night. The freshly whitewashed walls of the Bangalore home of Judi Popo are proof enough.
Sunny KaBAAP is very happy to see his comrade KAANhiya join the cult of the () followers. “() gehri ()” is the universal mantra of achieving moksha in life according to Sunny KaBAAP. Sunny KaBAAP himself is going through a dry spell, which he promises is just a lull in otherwise a brilliant career. He has 9 medals of honor, some not so honorable but who are we to speak. His right hand biceps are proof enough of the amount of strain that the dry spell is causing him.

Judi Popo still revels in the joy of explaining the eternal truth of life rather than enjoying it himself. He has become the NEWTON of the science of Kama Sutra and is hoping a call from his dream destination PENThouse as a professor. He is also the Playboy Certified Pr101 Director for telling the exact cup size with one look.
Potli Baba urf Mota, is still busy being his bosses left hand, the hand which his boss uses only for 5 minutes in a day to achieve seconds of satisfaction. Potli Baba still doesn’t realize that not every way up the stairs starts by bending over. He has become immune to all sense of pain and is surely a subject of research for the future.
LALA urf bond, is again realizing that the weather is pleasant, the last time he realized about the weather, he was madly in love. This was 4 yrs back. With his ever-expanding belly providing a lot of competition to Potli Baba, it is only days till he can see the little MAJOR. The success he had in the IPL betting has helped him get back some of the lost pride, which he is putting on his shaadi.com profile too. The marriage is looming large, and with the fall of the little MAJORs efficiency, it is inevitable that LALA throws in the towel and concedes to the wishes of his folks.

LALAs soulmate Buchanan, is still smarting from his defeat at the IPL betting. IPL wasn’t a happy hunting ground for both the Buchanans. The original is getting fired. The duplicate is making more fundas to cover up the loses. The one of the reasons Buchanan is still a virgin is that all gals get bored of his fundas, and sleep waiting for the real action. The only lap dance Buchanan receives is from his MACINTOSH, the prime culprit helping him to derive his fundas.
Latest heard, the Buchanan brothers were emailing to bring up a funda for “why it took KAANhiya 22 years to find the seamUP deliveries”. Have fun.
The Prince of Google, the one, has returned to his castle, his subjects were waiting for him with rolls of joints in their hands. He is the modern generation DEVD. Ever since the love of his life PR-_-_A left for the US of A, his life has become a bed of rolls. A mere mention of her name is enough to send the orgasmatic fluids running across his body. Undisputedly the Prince is the most talented guy in all works of life, the only problem is that his icon is the legendary self destructing Ajit Agarkar. Prince is also the only student whom JudiPOPO couldn’t deviate towards Sunny KaBAAP camp of (). This DevD is currently working pro-bono teaching kids how to roll up joints.
Ross and Baniya Pahelwaan are out of sight but not out of mind. Ross is still studying how to show himself of a dehati turned foreigner. Last heard his speed of talking has decreased than the speed of light. Some words are actually making sense. Ross is also Buchanans “saut”. Baniya Pehalwaans family planning has reached even higher levels. He is the Salman Khan without a body but with the dialogues,”Aa mera BAccha”. Pehalwaan has also started using this on his PM, saying,” ho jayega mera baccha”. It is not going that well and he needs to stop it. Pehalwaan needs training under Sunny KaBAAP, on how to get a gal into bed in ten days.
The SEXY BOY, the boy toy of delhi is TOPPING the sex charts. His Sex-scripts are longer than the playboy journals. He is the hottest rage, with gals having a tough time keeping their instinct in check with him around, with fingers and hands disappearing to dark corners. The sexy boy is gunning to break the Guinness record for having made out in all public places possible. The only ones remaining are the middle of a cricket ground and his Delivery managers cubicle. Sunny KaBAAP is very happy that someone from the cult is making rivers flow.
This is small mention of our beloved pet, the only person of the group to be sent onsite, POMMY. He made a brief but memorable appearance during the opening match of the IPL. The municipal corporation of South Africa have released a shoot at sight order for POMMY. It is rumoured that the canine population has increased exponentially since his arrival.
These are the characters who have formed the basis of my life….. and my further stories.

(The most special Prince is missing from the entries.. but we miss him every moment).

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Ten Engineering Commandments (contd.)

After the previous edition of the Commandments, i drew a lot of flak from various parts of the society. The lawyers are gunning for my head (they still are trying to get on the top of the list), the parents of the holy group of saints(the engineers) are filling FIRs, PILs. Even the church and the Pope are calling for bringing this blog down.(They are bored with banning Angels and Demons etc.)
Despite these drawbacks i am drawing all my courage to continue to write the secrets which are darker and more grim than the DaVinci Code.
To continue the commandments without much ado:

6) Maggi:
The eternal food of life. Never even in the wildest of my dreams had i thought that it would be the staple diet for me for 4 yrs. It is food for the night, after the exam, when we have money, even if we dont have money, if some one is treating, even if some one has loose motions. The food for all occasions. This is not addiction but dependence. The only food we can cook, since it involves no effort. Irrespective of what it is said on the maggi back about the constituents, we are alive after four years of only surviving on maggi day and night, this is proof enough that maggi is not poison. Maggi in truth are the real MANNA, drops of food from heaven sent by NESTLE to provide us with the courage to complete the arduous journey. (This journey is from the bed to the basin to brush my teeth everyday).
Nestle (Maggi is not a company, it is manufactured by nestle) is setting up a engineering college, to pay a tribute to the millions of engineers who have made this product reach the zenith of food chain, every student gets on maggi free a day, can we ask for nething more. A free degree and maggi a day, which keeps the doctor away. Was it apple well for me it is maggi.

7) Hoax Calls:
After a tiring hibernation full of finding excuses for not attending classes, not submitting assignments, not taking haircuts or changing clothes, the source of entertainment becomes mass smses and hoax calls. The reports of exam results being declared early for a semester is my weapon of mass destruction. Thankfully bush didn't know it or else :-). It drives me crazy to recall how every time the same hoax created a flutter to make students run in undergarments to the campus to check the results. This was followed by an sms that the "DEAN or the COE of the college has died", "NO RESULTS THIS WEEK", on the day that the results are actually going to be declared. Even news of a couple breaking up has been spread using the sms service, the couple in the meantime are on a romantic holiday enjoying each other. Yeah this is sadistic breed.
If the hostel has intercom in all rooms, then fellow Bhaiiis are doomed. Calling a random number late at night, and shouting in a course, deep and melancholy voice, "HELLO! main AMITABH BACHCHAN bol raha hoon kaun banega crorepati se, aap ke dost yahan HOT SEAT pe bethe hue hain, ......", is the start for the night. As the night goes wilder, the thoughts take a wild turn,"AKELE ho.. mujhse dosti karoge....OHHH yeaHHHH ", all the sufferer can do is bang his phone down. Somehow all these ideas come only on the exam nights.

8) Attendance:
Like the magic figure of passing marks, the figure of 75 is the number of the devil. It is the first of the only two milestones needed to be crossed in a semester. Second is the exams itself. So attendance is the only aim in our otherwise LAKSHYA-less life which is in our control. Getting the attendance to reach 75% requires a lot of proxy calls, cajoling the lectures to give a Present since otherwise it will ruin our careers (I still dont understand which career were we talking about) and trying to find the attendance records and tear them to bits and pieces. The short cut is to stay in your room, Hibernate, Do absolutely nothing, save on your pocket money, leech from the Bhaiiis and pay a fine to get to the examination centre.
I have 7 semesters of experience in paying fines for shortage of attendance, and i can say only one thing, it is like honey for bears.

9) D-Day:
The exams. This is reason why we engineers are respected in spite of the qualities i have just shared with you above. Take a scenario, the exam is of subject XYZ, (i dont remember what all crap i studied), on the next day around 9 am. The preparation consists of the following steps:

- Confirming XYZ. It is a waste to prepare for subject ABC when the exam is of XYZ. After a spate of sms and calls and visits to other fellow geeky guys and Bhaiiis we confirm that the exam is of subject XYZ. I have heard of guys preparing for subjects which were already cleared in previous semesters.

- Getting to know what the subject is about. This involves getting a brief overview of whether we have even an ounce of an idea about the subject that we are going to clear the next day.

- Course and the syllabus. Well since buying books is a taboo and making notes can get u a ban from the ENGINEERS CIRCLE for life, finding the geeks for the course or copy of notes is like searching for trophies in the Liverpool cabinet. (It doesn't exist.)

It takes a 12 hour period to complete the above mentioned, which gets us to only 9 hours till the exam. Then comes the slogging of a lifetime, staying awake the entire night (remember we have been hibernating for 11 months in the year), reading through texts and notes and consuming tea, coffee and the food of life.
During the hardcore session, the power naps, which turn into slumbers, have to be broken by the brothers of the fraternity.
The most common quote during the studies is, " Yaar yeh chapter course mein nahi hoga, aaj tak kabhie nahi dekha", as if we attended enough classes. The chapter is eventually dumped, only to realize that it was the most important chapter.

10) The EXAM:
Everyone reaches the hall on time. Yours truly after paying the attendance fine, has also paid fines for hall tickets lost. I have to get dramatic now:
Attendance Fine ---- Rs. 4000
Hall Ticket Lost Fine ---- Rs. 300
Tea/ Coffee/ Maggi costs ---- Rs. 100
Look on the face after seeing the exam paper ---- PRICELESS.
After getting the exam paper, starts a series of checks for the name of the subject. Even though it is the same subject that we had studies for, none of the questions make an iota of sense. "May be language is tamil or hebrew. But since i can read it, it has to be English.", this is the thought process.
An inspection across the examination hall shows that either everyone is suffering from an acute case of Alzheimer's or having the same fate as yourself. Since the exam is already a disaster, the only saving grace it to complete it the quickest and leave the examination room. This allows the face saver to come in,"40 minutes mein 3 ghante ka exam diya hoon, tab bhi pass ho jaunga". After the results, the only part worth remembering and oft repeaten are the 40 mins.

The confidence still doesnt take a sky-dive after screwing the exam. "THIS WAS THE UNIVERSITIES TOUGHEST EXAM", is the face saver at HOME. The confidence is not misplaced, as we invariably clear the exam.

This is what makes an ENGINEER, the confidence to stay high after a series of lows, the attitude of never say die, trusting in one another and letting others believe that we are good for nothing. I wouldn't exchange the past four years of my life for anything, and i can surely vouch that no engineer ever will.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Everyone makes a big fuss out of an Engineer. “Our kid is an engineer”, boasts the parents, one look towards the red as an apple face of the kid gives the clear picture. The guy is thinking, “God don’t let them know that I did absolutely nothing and still got bestowed with the holy grail (the degree).” The latest WHO report on the occupation which utilize least brain have Engineers on No.1. The usage is stated at 15%, the most of it being used to analyze how to submit copied assignments or how to complete 75% attendance. We lead the lawyers by a mere margin of 3% (They rigged the polls).
The brotherhood of engineers is more compact and trusting since there are many common secrets.. The ten most common are:

This doesn’t refer to dons or bhaigiri. The self realization of the lack of gals in engineering, plus since ANGOOR KHATTE HOTE hai, makes the male population stick together like Raina to Dhoni or Tom to Jerry. The greeting words like yaar, dude, bro change to BHAI. Every one is a BHAI. Even if u don’t know someones name, he is BHAI. You talk on phone to a BHAIII at home and the folks actually start wondering,”we just had two kids… where are the other siblings coming from”. MunnaBHAI further popularized the Bhaiii. Every engineer finds his CIRCUIT.. I have found mine. The advent of Bhaii also makes us part gay, the only thing that even after four years of no contact with the fairer sex except the lecturers doesn’t make us feel alien.

There are many forms in which this word is used: Bakchodi, Baketi, Bakar, BaatCheet. This is the best form of time pass which is an engineer’s pet hobby. The more we bakar the more we develop the self confessed fundas. Fundas are the basis of life which form the beginning and the end of our thought process. We develop a habit of having a reason for everything that happens around us (for eg if India lose T20-WC, it is due to overload, IPL and swinging pitches, if India win.. it is due to overload, IPL and swinging pitches). Secondly it helps us analyze the so called non-existent social life which we share. Thirdly it is the only source of information sharing and the contact with the news in the outside world, newspapers are something which are used only to check the listing of the movies in the halls. There are many more advantages which I would be listing in a separate blog. Yeah u are right, I have too much free time. I have been practically useless since my 10th.

Even after becoming BHAIII, the pockets are always empty. Somehow as much money as we get from home never seems to last the semester. Since we can’t do hafta wasooli, the indigenous technique of yours truly is to leech money of the BHAII’s. The way of doing it without ever having to return the money is to ask for 5 bucks for a lime juice or an emergency. When days are real bad even a 2 buck treat for a Xerox works wonder. If this trick even works on 10 people, we have a mega-dinner ready. All there is to lose in this trick is your dignity and respect, which as an engineer we have already pledged to forego.

Hibernation :
This is the period of a semester in which no exams are going on. Basically the day the semester starts to the first day of the exams. The hibernation is a way of an engineer to get used to his surroundings and reinvigorate to fight the next examination. The wolves (the ones having or looking for GF’s .. the ratio of which drops to 5% after the first semester) are the only active breed. They hibernate too after facing rejection or realizing the futility of the hunt. Hibernation is mostly staying up whole night and preparing mentally to attend classes next day, only to realize that classes are a waste of time, we can learn more by simply looking at the revolving fan.

We are the unique breed who take self pride in winning competitions like “Who can sleep the most?”, or “How long can you wear the same clothes?”. The one task that takes the cake is “The Maximum days without a BATH.” I participated and lasted 19 days to hold the record for four years. Being the closely knit brigade we are, all my friends passed their hibernation in picking lice from the hair and body of the PRIDE of the GROUP, me. These lice are the fruit of the 15 days of laboring in not taking a bath. Who says we have not evolved from monkeys. There are rumors that the record has been upstaged by someone who performed the feat for a month. It is a nation-wide record. I ll confirm as the reports come in.

The rest of the commandments would be in my next post. That is all till now.

P.s. i will not post bout drugs or booze since that is common with all the fields..